15 years ago

15 years ago I just turned 19...
15 years ago the year was 1994...
15 years ago I lived in Edmonton...
15 years ago I worked as a nanny...
15 years ago...

Today is my 15th anniversary... WOW... that is a lifetime ago... that is impressive now a days...

It has not always been a bed of roses... I don't think I expected it to be.

My marriage has had its trials, triumphs, victories, sadness & happiness...

In our 15 years together, we have moved to a different province, and back again, have become parents not once but twice, we have separated not once but twice, we have lived in 8 different residences, have gone through 5 different vehicles and combined, 9 different jobs...

One thing has always remaind the same... our love, our respect and our happiness for one another... We stand strong, we stand united.... Marriage is work... its not easy... but if done right... is wonderful all on its own!!!

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream, bizzare true to form, but a dream.

See in my culture, when we dream of somebody who has passed, it means they have come to visit. Check on you. Make sure you are okay.

Last night somebody came to visit me. Last night my Kokum (grandma) came to make sure I was okay.

How I miss her, something terrible. There are times were I will pick up the phone and start to dial her number. Then remember that she has passed more then 5 years ago.

Last night she looked amazing & beautiful. Just like I remembered her as a little girl. She gave me a huge hug, a wonderful smile and a kiss upon my head. I was the person I am today in my dream.

She did have a glow about her, a 'yes, I've made it to were I am suppose to have made it'. She asked me how my boys were. She only got to 'see' Braydin once when he was a baby. I told her they were great and that even though Braydin should not have any recalection of her, he cries for her (I'm thinking she visits him, too). She told me she was proud of me... her exact words were 'I'm so proud of you my, girl, you keep doing what you are doing'. I said of course I would, I would make her proud of me, just as I promised. I kissed her back, hugged her and smiled up at her (even though in physical life, I was taller then her).

Then just like that, it was over. I woke up and was not scared or even alarmed by my dream. I woke up happy and thanked my Kokum, for the visit.

I still miss her physical presence. I still miss phoning her, I miss talking to her, playing cards and having tea. She was an amazing woman.

I love you Kokum...

The picture is my kokum and my mama... (see told you have I good genes ;D) at Bingo... my kokum loved to play Bingo... lol...

My Hero...

We all have heros. I have one, two, many actually...

I'm not talking Superman, Spiderman etc. I mean a real hero... somebody real...

Who is my Hero???

My mom, she is indeed my hero... for many reasons... many many reasons...

See my mom had me at 16 years old... she turned 17 three days later. She raised me as a single mother for 2 years till she met my Dad... Yes, I have a Dad and a sperm donor. Lucky me hey. I obviously don't remember my first two years of life, but I have heard the stories of my sperm donor and how he treated my mother and how she was brave enough to leave him and take me with her.

Now life was good but not always good when I was 11 years of age and my sister was 4, my mom and my Dad divorced. Again my mom co parented. Which means really she was responsible for all the daily operations of the home. My Dad had us every weekend. She raised me, my sister and my baby sister alone. She sacrificed, she probably had many sleepless nights worrying about how she was gonna get us the latest thing that we wanted. How she was gonna do that on one income, and still provide us with the necessities of life. But she did... she always did. I am sure she went without many times...

Now that I am a mother, I respect her even more. I appreciate the sacrifices that she made, as I am making those same sacrifices. No, I am not a single parent, who I have the utmost respect for, but I still make sacrifices.

My mother a year and a half ago took on her biggest challenge yet. She now raises her great nephews. They are ages 7 & 11 now. They came from a home were they were apprehended due to drug trafficking, and drug use, neglect. They ended up in Foster Care and now my mom took them in. My mom may be young but this is the time in her life were she is done raising her childre (well my baby sister still lives at home, oh don't get me started) She should be enjoying her grandchildren, her life. But no, she still has room in that heart to provide, struggle, and give these boys a good home life. Not an easy task given their ages and their past. But she has taken on the task and won't give up on them when everyone else seems to have.

She is simply amazing. An angel on earth. I am so proud to call her my mom.

MY HERO.

Who am I really?

Am I the only one who asks this question?

Who am I really? Who are you?

A mom? a sister? a wife? Yeah I am all those things but who am I really.... those are titles I have earned... titles that as I grew older, I achieved... for the most part...

I have black hair (check) well with abit of grey in it
I stand 5'7ish" (check)
I have brown eyes (check)
and the list can go on forever... but is that ME??? Really, Really me... or did I just inherit great genes...

There is more to me then my stats, my titles...

I have a soul, a soul who likes to dance outside the box once in awhile. I have a heart that is filled with laughter even at inappropriate times. I love to smile, I love to make new friends, hell no I'm not shy. I like to be happy, I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

and I am happy... I have created a life around me that is full of happiness... I have two wonderful children, a great husband, a career which sometimes gets in the way of life... but it keeps me fed, clothed and a roof over my head.

A few years ago, I had to really look at my life and make some decisions... I needed to get the 'negative' out of my life, the people that brought me down, or would try to, because their life sucked and well so should mine, right? wrong... your life sucks cuz you make it suck... plain and simple.

Here I am... all the better for it and it is just not me who reeks the benifits of my new found love for life... my children are happier, my husband is happier (lucky bugger) my heart is happier. I put myself, my marriage, my children first and yes in that order. If I don't pay tribute to myself, everything else would not matter... my marriage would not be what it is today... SOLID... my children would not be the happy souls they are today... (well for the most part anyways) and you would not have me... a me who is fully capable of anything life brings...

So there you have it... ME!!! in a nutshell... stay tuned... for more on life, my love, my passion...